Priorities.

I've been struggling a lot lately, and just recently decided to take an inventory of why. Whenever I struggle, I notice that there are a lot of things in my "should" pile that I'm not doing, and as a result, I'm grumpy, tired, irritable, and feel like I'm racing to bedtime just so I can get some "peace."

That's a crappy way to use up a day.

So what have my shoulds been?

My house should be clean-- spotless-- so that if anyone drops by, I don't have to feel embarrassed.
This comes from a variety of places. I was in trouble a lot growing up because my room was a mess. When I was dating my husband, his mother would make comments about whether I would volunteer to help clean when I was at their house (which, while it is a nice thing to do, why the devil is it an expectation that I clean YOUR house?), and then she would clean when she came over to babysit. It was embarrassing. I am a terrible wife and mother if my house isn't clean. The spirit isn't as strong if my house isn't clean.

This is ridiculous. I have three kids, three and under. And while I know that I can keep my house clean (because I've done it), it comes at an absurd expense. I'll get the house clean while the husband is out on a ride, and then I'll be grumpy because he was out doing something for him, and I was doing something for the family. Or I'll neglect the littles while I'm cleaning, and get frustrated and angry if I'm cleaning one thing and they're destroying something else (as a result of being ignored). I certainly shouldn't let my house become a danger zone, but the idea that I can keep it positively spotless while still giving my children the attention they deserve is unfair to everyone involved.

I should get my workout in before my family wakes up so I don't take time away from them, and I can feel accomplished for the day.
This has been a hard rule that I've followed as a result of many things-- one being that it is so hot now that exercising outside when it isn't early morning is almost impossible in the unbearable heat. I also noticed that if I didn't get it in first thing, I would often delegate it to the evening, and then by the time the kids were in bed, I'd be too tired to do it, and I'd feel guilty/worthless/gross for not having exercised.

So many health issues involved here. One is that I know from the research the husband and I are obsessed with that adequate sleep is one of the most important things you can incorporate to positively impact your health. With a ten week old baby, sacrificing sleep to get up early on top of nursing all night long, and staying up to spend time with the husband after the kids go to bed, I recognize that I'm giving up such an important component of my physical health to exercise-- which I do for my physical health. It's counterproductive. And if I sacrifice time with my husband to go to bed earlier, I'm choosing to negatively impact my relationship. And by getting up early to go exercise, I miss my favorite time of the day-- the part where all my littles slowly wake up, and want to wrestle and play and are SO happy! And the guilt that comes from not getting my workout in? Oy. Such a history of disordered thinking.

If I'm going to be a runner, I should be fast. And getting faster. And I should do well in all the events I run in.
This was my mentality all through training for the marathon last year, which resulted in injury. And the reason why I HAVE to run in the morning is I can't run hard when it's hot out, and if I'm not running hard, then I'm not getting faster. The problem with this is that I fall into the cycle of get up early-- or don't, then I have to run at night, when it's cool, but then I'm too tired-- and I deny myself the option of running during the day. Because I can't run FAST when it's hot out. Ugh, this is ridiculous. If I can get four miles in at a decent pace, that's great! That's so good! That's getting all the physical benefits of exercise my body needs to be healthy. It's all or nothing thinking, which falls into "stinking thinking" we talk about in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's a vicious cycle that results in self sabotage. I'm a wife and a mom. I'm awesome. I enjoy running. I don't have to be the fastest person to still enjoy running. And by thinking I need to be the fastest, I'm denying myself a lot of opportunities to actually run-- because I cut out the part of the day where I actually have time to run while still enjoying the more important things in my life. It's just silly.

At the end of each day, after I tuck my littles into bed, I always think about whether I've given them a really great day. I'm so aware of how quickly time is passing, and I want so badly to be a great mom to them. So when I get to the end of the day, and I look back at how irritable I was, how grumpy I was, because I didn't get enough clean, or didn't get my hard workout in, I feel awful. Guilty. I didn't do right by the people who mean the world to me. And then I'm tired because I woke up too early on too little sleep, and can't enjoy the time I have with my husband. What a crappy way I've been living, all because my attitude sucks.

Well, I'm going to fix it. I'm going to enjoy the people in my life, and take time to take care of myself in a way that is positively motivated. I'm going to enjoy taking care of myself, instead of feeling like it's something to check off my to-do list.

Here's to being happier.