Let's Chat.

There is something I need to get off my chest.

At church on Sunday, we had a great lesson in Relief Society (our women's organization) discussing ways to improve and strengthen family relationships. The insights and contributions offered by the women around me were uplifting, and renewed my desire to put forth a conscious effort to constantly improve the emotional well being of my husband and children.

That being said, I must address a particular point that was made that I have found to spread across individuals in various situations: Hugging.

It seems innocuous, right? With the colloquial phrases used, hugging is a ubiquitous phenomenon that appears to be happening on the regular ("hug it out," for example). The original point being made was that it is important to express affection in the home, and hugging was offered as an example. As the discussion continued, though, hugging became the only form of affection to be offered, and it was not limited to individuals in your home-- it was discussed as something you should do (not could, but should), even if someone doesn't want to be hugged. It was actually stated that if someone is upset and even if they do not want to be hugged, you should hug them anyway, because it will really help them.

First of all, there are various ways to be affectionate. In fact, there is an entire book that goes into all the various forms of affection, and different people respond more to certain forms than others (words of affirmation, service, one-on-one time, gifts, as well as physical touch). What is important is identifying how your loved one interprets affection, and showing them love that way. It isn't to say that a person cannot feel love in any of the other ways, but it is more meaningful and effective to utilize the love language they respond to most. Limiting yourself to just one in expressing your love/affection to others, and suggesting there is only one way to express affection, really diminishes the capacity for love and affection to exist within your system.

Second, when someone has expressed they do not want to be hugged-- whether it is through their words or body language-- and you desire to hug them anyway, it is no longer about showing affection. At that point, the motivation is purely selfish-- whether it initiates from a place of wanting to be helpful or some other seemingly altruistic stance-- because you are ignoring the needs and desires of the other individual so you can do the something you know how to do, because you are uncomfortable doing nothing. You would rather avoid your own discomfort and make the other person uncomfortable than respect their wishes. The person who does not want to be hugged, for whatever reason, does not interpret "affection" from the hug, and hugging them anyway will not help them. It will more likely keep them from ever coming to you in a difficult situation ever again.

Third, and probably most importantly-- if someone has expressed in any way that they do not want to be hugged, whether with their words or body language, and you hug them anyway, it is no longer a hug. It is assault. You don't know why the person doesn't want to be hugged-- Perhaps they didn't grow up in a huggy-home, they're self-conscious, or maybe they just don't like you. The reason doesn't matter-- you do not have consent to touch them, and you are not entitled to their body. Acting against their wishes communicates that you no longer deem them a person worthy of respect and autonomy, but instead you view them as an object to be acted upon.

I am one of these people that do not like to be hugged. I'll hug the crap out of my kids and my husband, and the occasional close friend (under very specific circumstances), and I'll take hugs from them in return. But my circle of hug-trust is miniscule, and you know why? I'm a survivor of sexual assault. If you give me an unwanted hug, you may end up with an unwanted throat punch.

So to you, a hug may not be a big deal. "I don't know what I would do if I couldn't hug someone," someone said during the lesson. My body, or anyone's body, is not a tool for you to feel better, and if this is the place you are going emotionally/mentally, that isn't on me. It's on you.

So be open to the possibility that your physical "fix" isn't so benign to the person you're inflicting it upon-- you may be doing more harm than good.