N-E S

Hello. I am a mom, and I cannot give myself credit.

My long run last week was a 14 miler. I got up early, got it done, and then spent some time with the friends who had accompanied me on the run. We returned home, and the husband prepared for work, and both kids went down for a nap. I laid next to them, and the next thing I knew, the 2 year old was awaking, and I felt I was dragging myself out of a deep sleep to wake up with him (well, because I was dragging myself out a deep sleep—but you know what I mean). 

I felt like a bum. How could I be so tired? I chalked it up to only getting five hours of sleep the night before, and the six month old waking often to nurse. Not once did it cross my mind that perhaps I was tired because I had run 14 miles. 

Ridiculous, eh? But with having run 16 miles the week before, 14 didn’t seem like a big deal. So what? I’ve done longer. It seems that I chronically suffer from Never-Enough Syndrome. If I can do it, then it isn’t impressive. 

Yikes.

After my two year old was born, I thought, I’ll do a half marathon! After having been on bed rest for a month, and never having run longer than six miles, a half marathon was a big deal. The idea of running a full marathon crossed my mind, but it was one of those “Someday…” thoughts. No way was it possible for me to do it now. Then the second child was born, and I ran another half marathon. Still, I did not consider myself a legitimate runner. Legitimate runners do full marathons.

Then I met a friend of mine who convinced me to train for a full marathon with her. 

I approached the decision with a lot of anxiety and apprehension. What if I can’t? Only real runners do full marathons. 

And now that I’m training and doing well with the training, my thoughts have transitioned to, “Well, real runners do ultras.”

It seems my tendency is to raise the bar until it’s just out of reach, and then when I’m about to scale it, up it goes again. I AM DOING THIS TO MYSELF. As a therapist, I can see how incredibly unhealthy this is.

In my experience with other women, though, it seems that we are constantly suffering from some degree of Never-Enough Syndrome. We can be amazing cooks, but we have dishes all over our kitchen—and that gets our focus. Or perhaps our kids get all of our attention all day long, but we fixate instead on the laundry basket full of unfolded laundry when we assess our accomplishments for the day. So much of our energy goes into scrutinizing what we aren’t doing well enough in that we fail to celebrate the victories in our every day. We spend so much time looking at our weaknesses in comparison to others’ strengths and using so much energy to beat ourselves up—what if we used that same energy and instead turned it outward, and openly admired the other person’s strengths? What a great thing we could do for our fellow women!

So my goals for this week are two things: 1) Don’t die on the 18 mile run I have in my training schedule, and 2) Whenever I start to beat myself up about one thing or another, seek a fellow XX and tell her why she’s genuinely inspiring, and STOP N-E S in its tracks.

I’m thinking the first goal might be easier.